You know how some heroin addicts start injecting themselves in unique places to hide their track marks? Well the way I’ve been chugging pumpkin spice lattes, I’m about to start injecting that liquid gold between my toes. Seriously, this lady cannot get enough of pumpkin spice season!!!!
My youngest son, Toby, recently moved back home after struggling with his Digital Marketing Degree up at Hartwick College, and he says that my obsession with pumpkin spice is putting a serious strain on our relationship. Can you believe that while I was out shopping yesterday, he told Shelly that our house “reeks of cinnamon?” While I think he’s overreacting (especially given the $30k I’ve just wasted on a semester of tuition just for him to only last 1 month), Shelly being ever the diplomat suggested that we take a trip on over to my happy place to check out the newly released fall items at Trader Joes. Maybe if I feed him more variety, Toby will stop smoking weed and playing Playstation in his bedroom all day.
So, Shelly and I hoped in my 2013 Subaru and took off towards the sunset. But instead of driving off a cliff Thelma and Louise style, we whipped it into our local Trader Joe’s parking lot. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find any close parking spots, so I just pulled over to the side and waited for someone to get out. It only took about an extra 15 minutes of waiting, and we were able to make our pumpkin spice pilgrimage to the holy land.
Here’s what I was greeted by upon entering the store. First of all, the smell of the cinnamon whisks nearly had me floating into the store Winnie the Pooh style off towards the fall end caps. I was greeted by my favorite crew member, Big Paul right upon arrival. Big Paul looked good today- I think he finally showered this week! We talked for a few minutes about the local happenings, and then parted ways.
Slowly, I creeped and crawled my way through each and every aisle, carefully examining every single section of the store. I can’t miss a single fall item- I have a responsibility to my readers. I slithered my way through the produce section, sampling some in season produce as I went along. And as I ran my finger along the boxes of the new frozen treats, I got goosebumps. This might be just the thing I need to save my relationship with my son!
I gathered every single new fall item into my cart, and loaded it onto the checkout belt. My total was $643. Not bad for a few fall treats!
Then, once I got home, the taste testing began. I fell into a frenzy of spiced mayhem. My blood sugar spiking like GME in 2021, I took the final bite of pumpkin ice cream. As the paramedics wheeled me into the ambulence, Shelly’s heartbroken sobs faded off into the distance. “Yes,” I thought as then jabbed me with a glucagon injection. “Now I can go peacefully, a happy woman.” Having written my ex husband Richard our of my will 4 years ago, I was perfectly content to enter the after life.
I woke up 4 days later in the ICU. When the nurse came in, she told me that the levels of vitamin A in my bloodstream from all the pumpkin caused serious liver damage. With my voice raspy, I asked her if she was single. Maybe she could take Toby out of the house so that I can enjoy my pumpkin spice in peace. She told me I must be delirious from all of the medication, and handed me a menu to select my hospital meal for the night.
A quick glance at the menu and I was already planning my escape. Turkey meatloaf, Chicken Salad, and Salsbury steak. NO FEATURED FALL SPECIALS!?!?!?
I ripped the IV from my hand with an animalistic growl and pressed myself against the wall to avoid being seen by the hospital staff. There were watchful eyes everywhere. It even felt like the walls were watching me. I eyed my hospital roommate, the curtain half drawn between us. The elderly woman looked fearfully up at me from her bed.
“If you make one sound…” I told her as I dragged a finger across my neck. The woman cowered, pulling the hospital sheet above her face.
I peered out the small window on my door. I saw the nurse manager send her subordinates out to check on the patients. When she turned her back, I made a run for it.
Abandoning my clothes back in the room, my hospital gown billowed out behind me like a cape as I sprinted for the parking lot. Finally outside the hospital, I ran 6 miles to my home, driven only by my pure, primal hunger for Trader Joe’s fall items. When I opened the door, I made a beeline for the fridge. And it is in this, sweaty state dear reader, that I bring to you my absolute favorite fall items for 2025. Let’s get into it.
1. Lemon
2. Lemon
3. Lemon
4. Lemon
5. Lemon
6. Lemon
7. Lemon
8. Lemon
9. Lemon
10. Lemon
11. Lemon
12. Lemon
13. Lemon
14. Lemon
15. Lemon
16. Lemon
Loved this recipe! Thanks Doris.